Open Relationship

A sannyasin asks about her relationship which she thought was very open, but her boyfriend recently said he was pretending sometimes, and he has other desires. She feels very sick about this.

Osho: I understand. That's why people have completely forgotten what a open relationship is. They have become closed... they have become zombies. And that's why all the charm in life has disappeared.

In a closed relationship, you go on pretending hut you never say. You feel interested in, infatuated by other women, by other men, but you never say -- you hide the fact. The closed relationship is a very unnatural phenomenon.

If a man feels interested in you, that means he is interested in woman, otherwise why should he be interested in you? So if he finds some beautiful woman passing by . . . he is interested in woman, that's why he loves you... if he feels a beautiful person passing by, how can he avoid feeling a certain desire for the woman or for the man? I am not saying that he should go to her, but there are only two possibilities: either he comes and says it to you... that is natural, should be so, and you should love the man more for that!

... or he can pretend. He can feel that you feel hurt, so he be-comes a liar, pretends that you are the only woman in the world, that no woman attracts him at all. And remember, he can not only pretend it -- he can even manage it, sincerely, not to look at any other woman. But one day you will suddenly see he is no more interested in you either, because if he is not interested in women, why should he be interested in you? You simply represent a woman; you are a personification, an incarnation of womanhood -- nothing else.

So this is the dilemma. Either a relationship has to be open -- then it is very windy and storms come, and sometimes it rains and sometimes it is very cloudy because there is no roof, and you are sitting under the open sky. But there is beauty too, thrill too. There is a kick in it -- a real, alive thing. So you see both the things.

I know your problem. You feel jealous -- that too is natural; so say it! There is no need for you to pretend either. You must be pretending! Mm? you feel jealous and you say, 'No, I don't feel jealous.' Then again you are doing the pretension work.
Simply say, 'Good, but I feel very jealous. And when I am saying that I feel very jealous, I am not saying that you have done anything wrong -- I am simply telling you my mind! It is still there -- I feel very jealous.'

And that too is natural! It is as natural as a man becoming desirous oP other women. That too is natural -- a fear arising that if some other woman becomes too much of an infatuation, he will move away from you. Then you feel that you may lose him. Then all worries arise... and you don't want to lose him! You love him, and you don't want to lose him, so jealousy arises. But don't try to pretend that you are not jealous. Otherwise you will create a problem.

Remember that if you are jealous, you are jealous -- you have to say so. But do it in such a way that the other is not made to feel guilty. He has not done anything wrong. What can he do if a beautiful woman passes by, and suddenly just in that moment he feels attracted? True of him that he comes and says so to you. Now you also have to be true. Don't be afraid!

You are not saying that he is wrong when you say that you feel jealous -- you are simply saying that this is how you feel. He is perfectly okay, and you are thankful that he was true and sincere and that he told you. Tell him to never pretend -- even if you feel hurt, he should never pretend!

Because pretension kills love. Hurts, love can tolerate as many as possible. Hurts are nothing -- in fact they make love even deeper; each hurt brings a new life -- but pretensions kill. So if you pretend that you are not jealous, on the surface you will say, 'I love you', and deep down you will hate; deep down you will want to take revenge. And you will take revenge in many ways. Then you will be in a split.

My suggestion is -- let it be really open. If you are jealous, then you are jealous, and if he felt infatuated, he felt infatuated. What can you do? Human beings are very helpless. You understand his limitations, and he understands your limitations.

Now the second possibility is to make it closed -- then there is every security... but then it is dead! Then you are caged! There are two alternatives: either he pretends that he never looks at any other woman, and when you are not there he's very happy.... In fact when you are not with him, he is very happy that he feels a little freedom. Whenever you are there he is a little depressed, so he becomes a hypocrite. You have killed the man. And how can you love a hypocrite? How is a hypocrite going to give you any happiness?

.... Or the other possibility is that he may be a religious person -- that is even more dangerous... more than the hypocrite. He may be a very sincere person, a serious person: he not only pretends, he tries to do it. Then he can do it. He Gan close all possibilities of being interested in anybody, but then by and by he will lose interest in you.

It is as if you force somebody only to breathe when you are with him. You will find him dead sooner or later, because when you are not there, what is he going to do? He cannot breathe! So for twenty-three hours he cannot breathe, and for one hour he can breathe only when he is with you. That's what we are doing about love. We say, 'Only love me, and for twenty-three hours, no love, no breathing. And then one hour, pour down all your love, breathe as much as you want to breathe!'... It creates a neurotic state!

Very good that it is open. Good that it hurts! You also have to be open -- I don't feel that you are open. That is creating the trouble. You also be open, and you will also feel attracted to men. It is natural. And if you don't feel attracted, that too is good. I'm not saying that you have to! Then maybe that is natural to you. Every-body is so different that there can be no golden rule for everybody.

But be open, and try openness, because openness is far more important than your love, and if openness is dropped, everything is dropped. Even love will disappear -- it will not prove of much help. But if openness is there, only then can love grow in it. Openness gives the space for the love to grow.

It is going to be difficult... challenging. It is not going to be all roses. But nobody is saying that it is all roses. Love is a difficult situation, and everybody needs to pass through it. So keep open, and continue, mm? And whatsoever happens, just say it, express it. If you are feeling sad, be sad! What can you do? If he cannot do anything, then what can you do? If you cannot do anything, then what can he do? If you accept him, he accepts you... and he accepts you as you are; you accept him as he is.

This is the way it should be here with my sannyasins. Otherwise you can get married to him and have a christian marriage and be happy ever afterwards. Mm?

So don't kill it. Let it remain open. If it exists, good! If it disappears, that too is good -- but let it remain open.

O

SHO 
BLESSED ARE THE IGNORANT 
BY SPY — with Zorba The buddha.

http://www.baytallaah.com/osholibrary/reader.php?endpos=26447&page=13&book=Blessed%20Are%20the%20Ignorant